I am Sam
by RandomCheeses
Summary: Loss hurts. And you get angry when people try to fill the void. Companion piece to '15 things'
1. I am Sam

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.

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Sometimes I want to slap him for the way he treats me. Not that he treats me badly. No, that's not it. Take today for example. We were being chased by a bunch of aliens, I forget what species they were. But I was scared and yelling at them and an 'F' word slipped out. The way he looked at me then. I felt ashamed. But not just ashamed. Angry too. Angry at him for making me ashamed, for acting like he had the right to give me that look. I was angry at Them. For going away and leaving me here. I miss Them so much. I suppose he thinks I blame him. But I don't. He's too busy blaming himself to notice. It wasn't his fault. He thinks everything is. Really. Everything that goes wrong, everytime people go away because of it. I know he's not to blame. But he doesn't. So he tries to make up for it. By taking Their responsibility.

The way he treats me drives me mad. I've already got two brothers treating me that way. But with him it's my fault. I told him about Them. And about what happened to make Them go away and leave me. I want Them back. I want Them back. It's not fair, not fair.

I remember when he asked about Them. He didn't know. It was just a simple question. Won't They worry? And I had to tell him They wouldn't. Because They left me, left us. They went away. I want Them back so badly. When I answered him I saw it. It was something I didn't expect. I've seen a lot of pity. I was shocked when I saw the Guilt. It didn't take long to find out why it was there. It wasn't his fault. He didn't make Them go away. But he thinks it's his fault. And after that question he started treating me like this. Correcting me all the time. Telling me to mind my manners. He's not supposed to be doing that. They are. _Why aren't they?_ I want Them back...please...

He cooks for me. I've talked to Others. Others who've been with him. He never treated the Others the way he treats me. He never cooked for them. But he cooks dinner for me. Because They used to. Now They're not here. So he does it instead. I wish he wouldn't. But he'd be so hurt if I told him not to. He'd blame himself even more. I look at him and I want to scream. To hit him. I want to yell at him to go back and stop Them from leaving me, leaving us, the way They did. Not because I blame him. I don't. I just want Them back.

But I can't. Because I screamed at him. Just once. But I saw his face when I stopped. And for so long I couldn't bear to look at him. I was so... ashamed. So now I scream when I'm sure he can't hear. Scream for Them. To come back. Come back, come back, _please come back_...

I'm 18 now. An adult. He shouldn't be allowed to correct me now. You can't correct an adult. Only They should be allowed to tell me when I'm being rude. But They're not here. I want Them to come back. I want Them back right now. I want him to stop hugging me the way he does when I cry. He doesn't hug me like a friend. He does it the way They used to. It used to make me feel like everything would be alright. Now it just reminds me that They left me. That I'm angry at Them. How could They leave me? It's not fair, not fair, _not fair_...please... come back, _come back._.._please.._.

But I know They can't. That just makes me angrier. How could They be so careless, so stupid? I thought They never made mistakes. How could They leave, how could They? I'm with him now and I love this life, I do. But I've talked to the Others. And none of my stories compare to theirs. I know why. He's protecting me, in a way he never did the Others. Because he can't see me the way he sees the Others. He sees me as They saw me. I wish he didn't. Because I hate it when he acts like he's one of Them. I hate it. But I love him for it too. Because I miss Them. And my brothers aren't much older than me, they can't be like Them. Not when I remember them learning to spell in school. He can be like Them. Because he is so old. And then when we're safe he can be my best friend again. Because he acts so young.

I am Sam. I am a girl. I am 18 years old. I lost my parents the day the Cybermen came. And I wish the Doctor would stop trying to be my father.

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Um...yeah.. so...read and review please.


	2. She is Sam

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.

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Sometimes I wonder why She's still here. I can see it when She looks at me. The anger, the blame, in Her eyes. I can't bear it. But I can't bear to be alone. So I pretend it's not there. And we carry on. I can't remember the last time I had a companion like this. All the others, they were adults. Was it Susan? Was she the last who I cooked for, who I taught this way, who I _really_ tried to stop wandering off? Is it because She was Susan's age when They paid for my mistakes? They are gone. Someone must do Their duty. I must..._It's my fault. I must..._

She reminds me of Ace too. Ready to rush headlong into danger with no thought for Herself. Not that I travel to dangerous places so often now. What if I lose Her? I can't. I've already taken so much. Barely older then Ace was, now. I remember Her birthday. She was so proud. Wanted us to go somewhere that She could use her newfound status. I told her She was so grown up. But I can't see anything except the grieving child crying out that They left and won't come back. She wants them back so much. But they won't come and it's my fault, my fault, _my fault...I did this..._

Sometimes I find Her. Awake in the kitchen when She should be sleeping. Her kind spend so much time asleep. But She doesn't. Not anymore. Because She's afraid to dream. When She does, She remembers Them just before They left. So She stays awake. I make tea. The kettle is always on now. The Old Girl makes sure it's always full. They like each other. Sometimes when I find Her there I can still see the tears. So I hug Her. Everything will be all right. She goes stiff, as if I've hurt Her. But then She holds on so tight I can almost believe She's afraid I'll go away too. Only almost. I can see the anger and hate. Because I won't make Them come back. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry..._I'm so sorry_...

I remember when She told me They had left Her. I thought They'd be worried. She'd been with me for two days. They'd be expecting her back. She looked at me. And then she told me They'd left. That she was almost alone. I remember feeling it. The smile draining from my face, my stomach dropping. She saw it too. I saw Her look. So confused. It didn't take Her long to realise. They left Her because of me. Nothing can make up for the emptiness They left in Her. But I try. I show her the most beautiful places in the universe. I can see She wishes They were with Her to see it too. And I know that the more I show Her, the more She hates me. But I can't bear to be alone.

If you met us, you'd never guess. She's so full of life. Of energy and excitement. She smiles and I can almost believe I'm her best friend. I've always hidden my pain. But I am old. She is so young. And she hides so much pain. So much anger and hatred. Why is she still here? Why doesn't she leave? _Why doesn't she?_ I am so old and I don't understand.

I wish she'd scream at me. Shout out Her hate so that everyone knows what I am. But She doesn't. Not after the first time, when I told Her why I couldn't stop Them leaving. She only screams when She thinks I can't hear. Pleads with Them to come back. Screams at Them for daring to leave her, screams that She hates them. And then She pleads again, begging them to come back, come back now..._please...come back...I want you back... please._ I hear it. And my hearts are broken.

She is Sam. I am The Doctor. I am 903 years old. I didn't save her parents from the Cybermen. And I must make up for Them. _I must._

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So... The doctor's point of view... Read and review please.


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